someone leave a post-it note
probably in Kilgore
for a girl named Hayley
whom I haven't seen since 8th grade.

tell her..

tell her I miss her.

_____________________________
someone threw eggs at my car.
my friend said he'll wash it for me
since he saw how upset i was
about my parents being upset
i don't want to talk to many people right now
and at the same time
i want to talk to so many new ones

my uncle is dying in colombia.
my mom's been locked in her room crying.

my rules have changed. i'm not allowed out late.

him&her upsetted me.

i went horseback riding.
it made me forget everything.
i missed it so much
i might start training again.


i'm hanging out with alan on saturday.
he's always working, so i haven't seen him in months
i hope that cheers me up.

p.s: today i hang out with a new boy... he likes me...

So what do i do when i come back..

do i tell you i fell out of love with you because i understand i fell in love, i've been in love with someone else?
but whats the point in telling you to ruin things when i know nothing can come out of what i want..
i dont even know if i want it
thats what scares me the most
maybe i just want to be alone because im so used to that feeling
just surrounded by friends
i dont know what to do
you're in love with me i don't doubt that
and now if i do this
i'll break your heart
haha if you read this now it would piss you off beyond belief.
but you don't know my xanga.. and i don't announce it anymore..
what do i do?
i like this boy a lot
but i dont know
what kind of love this is?
i like you a lot
i dont know if its just a phase
the time i was rolling
and it started off so bad
that i just wanted to cry
when i saw what he did to the present i gave him
i just repeated over and over to myself
how much YOU love me.
and that calmed me down enough
to start my good roll
cause i know he cares for me
..but not what i need you know?
i just hate when you're such a kid about the way you express yourself
i need cuddling and holding hands (something you dont do...)
not just "forever love!" ect.
i hate that
i hated parties
i hated social events
you hate me going to them
.. and yet i go to them to be with him
(not in a sexual way)
but just to be there and have fun with my friends
and forget the idea of being heartbroken

lately ive been having dreams
where he slits my throat
where he pushes me
hits me
holds a gun to my head
kisses my cheek
tells me he misses me
rapes me
they're all over the place
i dont understand those dreams
i hadnt thought of him in forever..
if those dreams are to throw me off.. they havent.. i still refuse to have feelins for someone long dead to me.
someone who just... fucking hurt me
to the point i dont know how to exactly love someone again
everytime ive had a boyfriend
ive just kind of ignored him
and get bored


but then with him its different
i guess i think if i had him
id get bored too
and i dont want that

im not bored with you
i just dont know how to feel right now
wow. you know?
ive gotten so jealous over you
cried over you
fought for you
yet right now its like
i did all that.. why am i questioning myself being with you?



i know someone someday will read this and tell you
and then you'll be pissed off at me beyondbelief
and i wont know what to say
maybe i'll even cry because by then i'll realize i was wrong and i am so in love with you
that i just wanted attention from you?

i have plenty of attention from everyone else..
but not my own boyfriend...

hey. this is reminding me of scott....

Hi Xanga.
I've been gone for a really long time...
So no one reads this.

so let's start using this to help my memory out again.

this week i've been living like a vampire.
i dont go out during the day at all much..
been staying out at night with the best friend...
been nice.
haven't had time with him alone.
the only people that matter to me now
are carlos, val, diana, leecee.
anthony.nathan.benalva.huntsy.moneymike.jenna.
fuck everyone else who left
i pulled myself away from gp...